Be ok with where you are

It has been way too long since my last blog post. I have had lots of things in my head to post, just haven’t taken the time out to do it. A lot has happened in the last couple of months.
I had a health issue which mentally and physically slowed down my progress. It’s not something I am ready to share with the world, but it has taken a toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally. But the only thing I can do is move forward.
I wish I could say this journey was easy, that the weight just melts off, workouts are easy and food is always on point. But that is not so. But I will say this…….I did not quit nor give up. I am still here pushing. I have lost 43 lbs. so far. But I still deal with the fact I don’t feel like it’s enough, that I could do more, that I don’t see a difference. You see, I am my own worst enemy. But I am a work in progress.
I truly believe the closer we try to get to God, the more the devil tries to step in. He works on our weaknesses. Over the past couple of months, I have found myself really reaching out to a God because there are just things I don’t understand and well, if you know me, you know I don’t rely on people very well. I hide a lot and keep a lot in. But God is the one I can go to, totally broken. So while I have been drawing strength from God, satan has been trying to worm his way in.
And what are my weaknesses? Well, feeling like I’m not enough, not doing enough, not trying hard enough, that I’m not good enough. And that’s in a lot of areas of my life: relationships and friendships, my family, my church duties, and this weightloss journey. But goodness, God has placed some great people in my life. I have friends who I can reach out to, a family who has been here for me. When I am frustrated about not seeing progress, God always seems to place someone in my path that tells me they are proud of me, that I am looking good, that they can see a difference. When I am having a bad day, I get a text that asks how I am or just saying that I inspire people.
I fight every day not to be the person I was. The person who was running off little sleep, who could literally sit all day and do nothing, the person who was fine staying in her house without seeing hardly anyone, and the person who ate just to feel ok. I am not that person now. Yes I still struggle with my food addiction. It’s an every day battle. And when life gets tough, I still want to just eat. And eat until I was numb and no longer felt anything.
Through this whole thing I have learned it’s ok to feel. It’s ok to have and express feelings. It’s ok to lean on friends. And it’s ok to be ok with where you are today, as long as you are looking forward to where you are going tomorrow.
Yes the road on this journey is long! It’s tiring, it’s a lot of tears, sweat, a lot of self doubt and a lot of bumps. But at least I’m on the road and not sitting in the driveway. Be ok with where you are.

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Workout Motivation

With this new lifestyle , came some much needed changes. I usually workout 5-6 times a week. It was a hard routine to get into. I went from basically being sedentary to really working out, pushing myself. At first, people told me it was too much and in retrospect it probably was. But I’ve kinda found my groove now. And even though there were days my body was saying enough or it was too much, I didn’t want to give myself an excuse, an out. That’s what got me to be this overweight.  Denial, excuses, and always telling myself I couldn’t do it. So I knew I needed to push myself and not give myself a way out. For the first time, I am holding myself accountable.
     I do turbokick 3 times a week and it’s really the workout that has showed me I can do more than I ever thought. The other 2 or 3 days, I do workouts at home. It may be dvds, wii workouts, kettlebells, etc. Do not be scared to try new things, to push yourself.
     Some of my friends told me about a new turbokick class that was starting in town, and encouraged me to try it with them. I had just started on my weightloss journey. I dismissed the idea right away, but it kept coming to my mind to just try it.  So I messaged the instructor on Facebook. We live in a very small town, but I did not know this girl. But I kinda just laid it all out there. I told her I was severely overweight, just started exercising, and I really wanted to know if I could do this class. She reassured me that I could. It was for all fitness levels, there were modifications to everything, and for me to work on my level. That conversation started a friendship. I love Brooke. She’s a friend to me now, motivates me, pushes me, but never singles me out for not being able to do something.
     So I went to that first class and loved it. Yes I have to modify lots of stuff, but I am there 3 days a week working my butt off.
     People want to know how to stay motivated to workout. Yes there are days I would rather sit around and read and eat all day. But those days are fewer and far between. I have more energy to do things and want to do things. I do workouts at home I like to do and I am always changing it up. The kettlebell routines I do, I googled and watched utube videos and made up my own routine. Knowledge is power. I am always adding to it, tweaking it, working on form etc.
     And it’s a mind thing really. Brooke tells us that all the time, but I never understood until recently. These ladies in my turbokick class have become friends and we motivate each other. I get messages now wanting to know how much weight I have lost and how do I keep going. Most messages say things like, “when I am feeling tired and want to quit, I look up and you’re still going. Or when I have to take a break, I look around and you have never stopped.” Those messages are my fuel. It’s a mind thing. I knew coming into this class,  I would be the biggest person. But I didn’t want to be the biggest person that had to keep stopping, that couldn’t keep up. So I push myself every class. When I see someone that stops to take a water break or whatever, and they are smaller than me, it’s my push to keep going. In my mind, I outlasted at least one person. Now don’t get me wrong.  These ladies all work their butts off. But it’s a mind thing with me. I do have to stop occasionally but I don’t walk off to get water. I may have to stop a movement just to catch my breath or literally so I don’t pass out. (I have felt like that a couple of times. I don’t say anything, I just regroup and keep going.) But when I leave, I know I pushed myself and I didn’t stop just because it got hard.
     Not gonna lie, my body hurts alot. My knees are in constant pain and my body hurts just to move sometimes. And there are days my body tells me I need to rest and I listen to it. But I know these aches and pains are also helping me toward a goal. My knees do hurt but I have noticed my squats are lower. I am tired in turbokick class but I am noticing new things that I can do well or don’t have to modify as much. This is progress.
     You each have to find that thing within you that motivates you to do it. Whether it’s a before pic, whether it’s the feeling after a workout, whether it’s the motivation to not be the fat girl anymore, you have to find it. You have to make the choices, make it a habit and make the changes. You have to want it. And the results will be the fuel you need to keep going. 🙂

Weekends are part of the week too

Mondays are the hardest for me. It’s confession time. Weekends have gone from a “cheat” meal to a “cheat” day, to now “cheat” weekends. I don’t really like the word cheat but lately that’s what it feels like.  I am a firm believer in moderation and not obsessing over food, calories and such. But I believe that can only happen when you can control it. Let’s be honest. If you buy a pack of cookies on your cheat day and you eat the entire pack, that is not moderation. And no, I haven’t eaten an entire pack of cookies but on weekends I tend to be more relaxed and feel myself eating more and more. Not for a meal or a day but an entire weekend.  So then Mondays roll around. And I feel like poo. I’m sluggish, unmotivated, tired, have a yucky tummy etc. I would compare it to someone going on an alcohol bender the entire weekend. Mondays they are tired, have a headache, food seems yucky, etc. I hide things I am eating, I sneak food or I brush it off because it’s my cheat day.
     This is not ok. I am self sabotaging myself. And I work my butt off all week to see a loss on the scale. If I just applied everything to the weekend too, the number would be flying down. I have said it before but I am a food addict. It’s not just that food is good to me. I think about it all the time. Things that shouldn’t, revolve around food. I can stuff my face on a binge and never really taste the food. I can eat food and never remember it.  The difference between an alcoholic and a food addict is you don’t have to have alcohol to live. You can go the rest of your life and not step into a bar or a liquor store. But you have to have food to live. So changing my relationship with food is a big part of this process. And always being honest with myself and all of you.
     So those are the things I am currently working on. I am 29 pounds down so far. But I want more. I deserve more. I can do more. People think it’s as simple as eating right and exercising. And yes for some it is as cut and dry as that. But not for me. It’s as much mental as anything. It’s as much as figuring out what works for me, what my internal dialog is and changing my perception of me. I still love food and it’s fun finding things that are healthy but still taste good and look good. Things that satisfy me, get me full and get me excited about eating it.
     And I’ve already told y’all about workouts.  I love turbokick. I love Biggest Loser dvds. I like Zumba for the wii. I like kettlebells. No one wants to spend the rest of their lives doing workouts they hate.  Get moving, find food you like that is healthy,  workouts you love and do it. No one can do this for me. No one can make me do it or want to do it. I have to do it. The way I am doing it is not the fastest way but it’s the way I can live day to day with. It’s now my lifestyle that I am still working to improve. I’m planning another blog later this week about my mindset on workouts and things, my motivation, etc.

To Do or What Not to Do, That is the Question.

With this journey, People come out of the woodwork wanting to know my secret, how am I doing it, what am I doing, what am I eating, etc. There are those that want you to basically write down an exact plan for them to follow so they will know exactly what to do and will lose weight too. But a lot of times, they don’t want to put the effort in. I can tell you what I do, but unless you are willing to put the work and effort in, then it’s not going to work.
And I’m probably not the person to ask about a plan. I stink at plans and structure when it comes to weightloss. For instance, right after I bought my kettlebell, I wrote out a workout schedule of what I was going to do every day. I stuck to that exact schedule exactly a week. Haha. I still workout, just don’t stick to a certain schedule besides Turbokick.
But there are some people that benefit from things like that: workout schedules, eating plans, meal prep, etc. I’m just not that person. So my best advice is find out what works best for you. If you need a strict schedule and meal plan, then take the time to sit down and write it down. But make it reasonable. Do not set your schedules and goals up to make you fail. Make sure it’s obtainable, something you can do, and it’s not unrealistic.
The next question I get is do I count calories? Yes and no. I recommend anyone just starting out to count calories and write down everything you eat. People like me who tend to deny their weight or what they eat, it’s a wake up call to count calories and write everything down. It makes you more aware of what you are putting in your body. A couple of years ago, I did a week of counting calories and I wrote down every bite I took. You know, those bites as you’re cooking and you taste something, or those bites off your kids plates while cleaning up the table, etc. I wrote it all down, and I realized that while my meals and planned snacks were pretty good, I did a lot of grazing and eating bites here and there I never thought about. They add up.
Right now, I don’t specifically count calories every day. But I am conscious of them. I tend to be a creature of habit, so I eat the same breakfast at least 4 days a week. So I mentally know how many calories it is. Same with lunch. And I drink protein shakes to up my calories and I know how many calories is in each shake. So while I may not log all my food and calories, I am still aware. Or if there are days I am really busy, and at some point feel really hungry, I will quick add my calories. Most of the time I find out I haven’t had near enough.
And there are really good, easy apps that help with calories and things. Two that I know work well are myfitnesspal and loseit. Another website that my Turbokick instructor and several of our ladies use is http://www.iifym.com. It has a lot of good info, and there’s a calculator where you can count macros. I know a lot of people use this and have seen benefits, it tells you how much protein, carbs, fats, etc you need every day.
It’s hard for me because I discovered I wasn’t eating enough calories several weeks ago. And to tell your head, you have to eat more to lose weight is a hard thing. I fight it every day. And it’s a process. Some days I still don’t get enough, and some days I may get too much. It’s a learning process.
One thing I can say is educate yourself. I have done a lot of research on eating and exercising. I do workouts I love, like Turbokick. I eat foods I like, but that are still good for me. It’s sort if like a game to me to see a recipe I like, and then see how to make it healthy. I’m always reading, researching, and finding new ideas. You have to make it work for you. You have to be proactive and learn to do what your body needs. No one can do it for you.
Another thing is, there will be a day or meal or weekend along the way, that you will get off track. Your plan will go out the window. Whether it’s Christmas, a birthday, or vacation. What you have to realize is, it’s one day or just a couple of days in your life. One meal will not make you fat. It’s one day or one weekend. But you decide how you get back on track. There are 365 days in a year. If you get off track a couple of times, what’s two or three days, compared to the other 362 days? This is where you have to move forward and not let one day or choice dictate your future.
If you want it, you can do it. You have to decide to do it and put the work in. On my weakest days, I pray that God will lead me and guide me. On my strongest days, I thank God for leading me and I pray He will continue. I know this has been a lot of rambling. I guess my point is I can’t tell you exactly what to do. I am still finding my way. But you have to research and find what works for you and then stick with it.

A big ole can of biscuits about to pop

First let me say, thanks for the feedback on my last blog. I express myself in writing so much better, but it’s still scary.
I have been overweight my entire life. In second grade, they were weighing and measuring us for our school records. One teacher would weigh us, then call out our weight across the room to the teacher writing it down. Which wasn’t a problem until it was my turn. She called out my weight and everyone laughed. I don’t remember the number, but I know it was a lot more than every one else’s.
Over the years, my weight is something I have learned to hide behind. As a kid, you get laughed at and made fun of. And I had my fair share of it, but all in all, I was friends with everyone, tried to stay in control of situations and acted like the weight didn’t matter. As an adult, and being this weight, people look at you but don’t really see you. They look the other way, they move across the aisle, they don’t look you in the eye. And for the most part, I was ok with that. I hid behind my weight. I was comfortable there. I could go unnoticed, really. I don’t like being in the spotlight or put on the spot. It terrifies me. I hate surprises because I don’t feel in control. If I can control the situation, than I can control what I can and can’t do. But that’s not life. And even though it was my comfort zone, I have been anything but comfortable.
As I have been going through this process, I have learned that your mind and body can play tricks on you, can affect the way you feel and see yourself. Not gonna lie, I’ve had a hard week. Monday I had no energy at all. My body was tired. It was raining, and I did what the old Kim would do. I curled up on the couch and did nothing. I felt fat, and just yucky. Hence the title of this blog. I felt like a big ole can of biscuits waiting to pop.
Now, I have said, I have lost 24 pounds. But being my size, that’s like a drop in the bucket. So I’m far from skinny, or being healthy, but it’s progress. But Monday my mind was telling me something totally different. It was saying, “You haven’t done a lot, 24 pounds is nothing, you have so far to go, look at you, you can’t do this.” Now I am a strong person but my worst enemy. I felt defeated.
That’s when a God intervened. As I was picking Hannah up from school, someone stuck their head in my vehicle and said, “I am so proud of you. You are such a beautiful person. I know it’s hard but you keep going, you can do it.” I almost cried, and at the same time said, “Thank you God.”
If you follow me on Instagram, it’s pics of my meals, protein shakes, workouts, etc. Sunday, someone I don’t know, started following me, and left me a message that I was an inspiration. Again, I wanted to cry. I’m just living day to day, trying to make healthy choices and for once be good to my body, but it’s helping others.
I feel like God is kind of showing me my purpose. It’s very hard for me to just take care of me and do this for me. Not gonna lie. But to know others are watching, and waiting, seeing my ups and down, cheering me on, it’s gives me focus. If all of this helps one person, and gets me healthy in the process, then isn’t that what life is about?
I am learning to love me now, even if it’s a canned biscuit kind of day. Because If I can’t love me now, then no matter how much I lose, I won’t love me then. This is way more than a number on a scale. And I also admit, I don’t take compliments well. I just don’t. But I’m starting to look at them as kind of a thumbs up from God. A sign to keep going.
And tomorrow is weigh in day for me. And I will go ahead and say, not expecting a lot from the scale. But it’s ok, because I have learned a lot about me this week, and no matter what the scale says, tomorrow is another day. It’s my choice whether I make healthy choices or not. It’s all a choice. If you sit down and do nothing, then that’s what you have chosen. I choose to keep going forward, to keep making healthy choices, and continue on this journey.

Proverbs 3:5-6

It’s a journey, a process, but not a race.

If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you’ve already seen post after post about my weight loss journey. At this point I have lost 24 pounds. It’s hard for me not to add the word “only” in there. But I am proud of every pound. But yes I am hard on myself at times, and don’t give myself enough credit.
People ask me what my “secret” is to losing weight, to staying motivated, to having willpower. I hate to disappoint, but there is no secret. There are lots of prayers, lots of talking to God, lots of hard work, lots of planning, and figuring out what works for me.
I am not on a diet. This is not something I can or will get off of. You’ve all heard it before, but it’s definitely a lifestyle change. It’s not about eating very little food I don’t like and doing exercises I hate. I eat “real” food and lots of it and I have found workouts I like to do.
For me, it’s about being healthy. Yes the scale is a big part of it, but also how I feel, the way my clothes fit, my energy level, is all driving forces. If I told you my starting weight, some of you wouldn’t be able to close your mouth. You might would even fall off your seat. And 24 pounds down, compared to that number is not a lot. I will be the first to say it. But with those 24 pounds less, comes more energy, finding foods I enjoy to eat that are good for my body, and clothes that fit better and that I feel better in.
I think people carry around extra weight for a lot of different reasons. And for me, it’s about figuring that stuff out and changing me from the inside out. If I don’t work on the inside, my way of thinking and my relationship to food, then it will be a losing battle. Because I would have never fixed the real problem. I’m planning on doing several blogs about all of this, such as food addiction, what I eat, how I push through body pain, what keeps me going, etc. Let me know if there’s anything you would like for me to include, talk about, or blog about. I am open to putting myself out there to help others, to motivate others, and to keep others accountable. I just started on this journey and I am excited to see what’s next, what the future holds. And I’m not gonna lie, I know there will be ups and downs, emotionally, physically, and weight wise. But I am not giving up. I am not stopping.
You may ask how this time is different than all the other times I have started and stopped. Because this time I want it, I want it for me. I am excited about it, and I am making changes I can continue with day after day. I am loving me now so I can also love me later. I may not have taken care of this body in the past, but God still loves me and I’m still here so I changing this body, this head and the inside. Follow me on this journey.

Hannah-The Name Says it All

It’s been a long time since I have written in my blog. Sometimes life just takes over, and I feel almost like I am just hanging out in the water, and then the waves come and just toss me all about.
Last year, I wrote about Katelyns story. And I said Hannah’s story was for another time. Well since her birthday was last week, I think this is the perfect time.
After we had Katelyn, we knew we didn’t want to wait too long to have another. I have a twin brother, but we have a sister that is six years older than us. Patrick, my husband, has a sister that is 8 years older than him. We wanted our kids to be closer together. But with it taking so long to have Katelyn, we weren’t sure when to start. Like I said in another blog, Katelyn was a great baby. She was very laid back. She would sit in front of the tv at 6 months old, and watch Backyardigans. So that really helped our decision along.
At Katelyn’s first birthday party, I pulled my best friend aside and told her we we going to start trying for baby #2. We knew it could possibly happen quick, but really thought it would take awhile. Katelyn’s birthday is in March, and by May, we knew we were pregnant.
We were so excited. And at that point I knew God had a sense of humor. As we started telling people, the response was mixed. People were shocked but happy. And we got a lot of, “So soon?”
I remember people who didn’t know me that well would ask things like, ” What are you going to do?” What did that mean? I’m pretty sure I was not the first person to have kids almost two years apart. And I will admit I was a little nieve and just thought it was no big deal.
I had a fairly easy pregnancy with both girls. So Jan. 7th, I went in to have Hannah. Just like Katelyn, she was two days overdue. Two of the hardest things were being away from Katelyn and then the spinal headache. There is no other headache that compares to a headache due to the epidural. They had trouble with my epidural due to a curve in my spine. I had Hannah on a Wed., and had a headache from that Wed., until Sunday. A never ending, horrible headache.
As I was being discharged from the hospital on that Friday, I remember the doctor told me to go home and lay as flat as possible as much as I could for the headache. I laughed out loud. I had a newborn and 21 month old. Was he serious?
Well I quickly learned my girls were vastly different. Hannah cried a lot. She had acid reflux and colic. So from afternoon to night, she cried. She was probably 4-6 months old before I got to sit through an entire night service at church. I found myself more times than not, in the nursery, just my two kids and I. I’m not going to lie. Having two in diapers, and two so young was tough at times. But at the same time I loved it. I knew no difference and just did it.
Hannah has taught me so much. And every day her and Katelyn show me time and time again how different they are.
They have switched roles somewhat. Hannah is now more like me, laid back, go with the flow kind of person. She’s like her daddy in that she can make quick decisions and stick to them. It amazes me in their differences, but also just when you think you have them figured out, they change.
Hannah turned five last week. I still can’t believe my baby is 5. Some days, I feel like she should still be in an infant carrier. Or as a toddler running away from me at Wal-Mart and having to be caught by employees.
Hannah makes me laugh every single day. She is so funny and doesn’t mean to be. She gives the best hugs, and that smile of hers gets her out of a lot of trouble. She is brutally honest at times. I cringe when I hear her speak to people at times, because I don’t know what’s coming out of her mouth. When she’s sick or in trouble, she wants her mama, but she’s a true daddy’s girl. Her favorite thing to do is cuddle with him or sit in the floor and play. At 5, she still doesn’t really have an attention span for tv very long. She loves music, and loves to sing. While Katelyn is a dramatic girly girl, Hannah is fine with jeans, t-shirt and ponytail. She’s left handed and sucks her right thumb. She’s very sneaky. She’s boy crazy. She has two nicknames, Monkey and Hannah bug. I call her monkey and it fits her perfectly.
There is never a way to truly describe my girls in a paragraph or two. They, along with my hubby, are my blessings. On my worst days, I look at those little blonde headed girls faces, and all is right with the world. I am truly in awe that God chose me to be their mommy. It’s a big responsibility, but one I wouldn’t have any other way.
So this is a little about Hannah. This is not even what I meant to write. But oh well. My prayer is both my girls will grow up to love The Lord, have a servants heart, and to always seek Him.

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