The Courage to be Consistent

People tell you not to worry about the scale. They say, “don’t weigh every week, or don’t pay attention to what it says, or it’s just a number, or don’t let it define you.” The fact is, whether we like it or not, it’s a measuring tool. We put a lot hope in something that tends to let us down. If you are at goal weight, close to goal weight, or only have 20-30 pounds to lose, then you may find it freeing not to weigh every week or let your clothes be the judge. But when you have 180 pounds you want to lose, you can’t just get rid of the scale. When you are at a weight that you wear mostly elastic waist pants and shirts that you try to buy big so they don’t touch your fat rolls, then you really can’t use clothes as a judge.
I have lost 45 pounds so far, and am just starting to wear clothes that actually button, and actually fit me. But the fact is I can still wear most of my clothes I wore 45 lbs. ago. No they don’t fit the same way, nor look the same way but I still wear them.
This week I gained a pound and last week I stayed the same. And it’s frustrating. Because this week, I really can’t tell you what was so different than those weeks a couple of months ago where I was losing 1-5 pounds a week. I think the thing for me is consistency. I’m not consistent with my calories or even what I eat. I am more consistent with working out but they say weight loss is mostly about the food.
Being this overweight has its advantages when trying to lose weight. You burn more calories when exercising and you can consume more calories than the average person and still lose weight. So I think I have gotten comfortable with sneaking a snack cake here, eating a heaping spoon of peanut butter several times a day, etc. I have fallen back into old habits of sneaking food and lying to myself about how much I really eat. And I counteract that with cutting calories the next day. I sabotage myself. But it’s frustrating that some weeks I eat like that and still lose. It gives me a false sense of security. Then it catches up with me. I just don’t know where the balance is.
I am not the person who can count every single calorie day in and day out. I am not the girl who can eat “clean” 100% of the time or never indulge. I am not the girl who will give up sweets and carbs forever. I still can’t drink a gallon of water no matter how hard I try.
I do know I have to make more changes, be more consistent. I have to find what consistently works for me, that I can do day in and day out. It’s a struggle every day. And it’s also a choice. And I’m not going to lie. It’s hard. But it’s worth it.
I really don’t know the point of this blog but to say I am frustrated. I feel stuck. I want the scale to consistently move. I want to look in the mirror and see a difference. I want to feel a difference. I don’t want this to be a guessing game. And I want to have the courage to be consistent and allow myself not to hold back and make changes. And I still want to eat a slice of pizza or some chocolate occasionally and be ok with it.

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