First let me say, thanks for the feedback on my last blog. I express myself in writing so much better, but it’s still scary.
I have been overweight my entire life. In second grade, they were weighing and measuring us for our school records. One teacher would weigh us, then call out our weight across the room to the teacher writing it down. Which wasn’t a problem until it was my turn. She called out my weight and everyone laughed. I don’t remember the number, but I know it was a lot more than every one else’s.
Over the years, my weight is something I have learned to hide behind. As a kid, you get laughed at and made fun of. And I had my fair share of it, but all in all, I was friends with everyone, tried to stay in control of situations and acted like the weight didn’t matter. As an adult, and being this weight, people look at you but don’t really see you. They look the other way, they move across the aisle, they don’t look you in the eye. And for the most part, I was ok with that. I hid behind my weight. I was comfortable there. I could go unnoticed, really. I don’t like being in the spotlight or put on the spot. It terrifies me. I hate surprises because I don’t feel in control. If I can control the situation, than I can control what I can and can’t do. But that’s not life. And even though it was my comfort zone, I have been anything but comfortable.
As I have been going through this process, I have learned that your mind and body can play tricks on you, can affect the way you feel and see yourself. Not gonna lie, I’ve had a hard week. Monday I had no energy at all. My body was tired. It was raining, and I did what the old Kim would do. I curled up on the couch and did nothing. I felt fat, and just yucky. Hence the title of this blog. I felt like a big ole can of biscuits waiting to pop.
Now, I have said, I have lost 24 pounds. But being my size, that’s like a drop in the bucket. So I’m far from skinny, or being healthy, but it’s progress. But Monday my mind was telling me something totally different. It was saying, “You haven’t done a lot, 24 pounds is nothing, you have so far to go, look at you, you can’t do this.” Now I am a strong person but my worst enemy. I felt defeated.
That’s when a God intervened. As I was picking Hannah up from school, someone stuck their head in my vehicle and said, “I am so proud of you. You are such a beautiful person. I know it’s hard but you keep going, you can do it.” I almost cried, and at the same time said, “Thank you God.”
If you follow me on Instagram, it’s pics of my meals, protein shakes, workouts, etc. Sunday, someone I don’t know, started following me, and left me a message that I was an inspiration. Again, I wanted to cry. I’m just living day to day, trying to make healthy choices and for once be good to my body, but it’s helping others.
I feel like God is kind of showing me my purpose. It’s very hard for me to just take care of me and do this for me. Not gonna lie. But to know others are watching, and waiting, seeing my ups and down, cheering me on, it’s gives me focus. If all of this helps one person, and gets me healthy in the process, then isn’t that what life is about?
I am learning to love me now, even if it’s a canned biscuit kind of day. Because If I can’t love me now, then no matter how much I lose, I won’t love me then. This is way more than a number on a scale. And I also admit, I don’t take compliments well. I just don’t. But I’m starting to look at them as kind of a thumbs up from God. A sign to keep going.
And tomorrow is weigh in day for me. And I will go ahead and say, not expecting a lot from the scale. But it’s ok, because I have learned a lot about me this week, and no matter what the scale says, tomorrow is another day. It’s my choice whether I make healthy choices or not. It’s all a choice. If you sit down and do nothing, then that’s what you have chosen. I choose to keep going forward, to keep making healthy choices, and continue on this journey.