Alone time is not all its cracked up to be

If you have been around me for any length of time, you have probably heard these words come out of my mouth, “why can’t I just go to the bathroom by myself”, or “just one night without interrupted sleep,” or maybe “I just wish I had one day all to myself.”
As a stay at home mom, alone time for me is few and far between. I tell my husband all the time he has no idea what it’s like to get in the shower and be interrupted by fighting kids, or screaming kids. He gets to go to the bathroom and actually shut the door. Sometimes, when I have one of those days that the kids seem to be at their worst, I crave alone time. I have always been a loner. I enjoy being by myself, shopping by myself, sitting in the house alone.
I don’t mean that I don’t love my husband and kids, nor do I mean that I don’t love spending time with them. But once you have kids, your time is not your own. Your life is not your own. And I love it like that, most of the time.
But as I sit at home by myself today, I realize when it comes down to it, those statements that I make often, I really don’t mean. I am at home sick today. The kids spent last night with their grandparents. Today is Sunday. Which is church day. Very rarely does my husband have to go to church by himself. Today he did. I have had a migraine all night. So as my husband went to church, my girls went to their church with their grandparents, I have had a day at home by myself.
And I feel lost. I feel like something is missing. I feel lonely. I feel like my little world is not what it should be. I miss my family. I miss my church family. I missed going to my parents house for lunch, where there was about 13 or 14 very loud people. I am bored. Yes if I felt better, there is lots I could do in the house. But right now, I don’t feel well enough to do any of it. I miss my kids fighting, their laughs, having to give them “those looks” in church. I miss hearing my husband preach, talking to him as he drives, hearing him get irritated at the kids chatter, etc.
Sometimes when we get what we ask for, we learn its not really what we want. You see, I do crave alone time, but my happiest moments are times spent with my family. Times where I feel needed, and those times I feel that mama is the only one that can do it for them. Times where no matter what I am doing, my girls giggling, playing pretend and yes also fighting, is only an ear shot away. Those times when the girls are in bed, and my husband and I are curled up on the couch together, watching t.v. and not having to say a word. Times where on Sunday morning I am running around like a crazy person, getting everyone ready, making sure I have everything, etc. That’s what makes me happy, what makes my life feel lived and what makes me know I am doing just what I am supposed to be doing…….now to go potty by myself and not have to share my snack. Alone does have a few benefits.

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2 thoughts on “Alone time is not all its cracked up to be

  1. I can so relate to your page. I too have children home with me and do not have much time by myself but through the years I have gotten more time alone and all I can say I know more about myself and am learning what God wants from me and what He wants of me. It took time but am beginning to see.

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